The last 3 weeks has brought about a lot change in my life. Both personally and professionally. With the start of September came a new teaching schedule for me, a new gym schedule for EK, a new hockey/basketball schedule for little e and an onslaught of work for my partner. Through all this there was still the excitement and anxiety of new classes at school- for both me and the kids and getting back into a routine that works for everyone in our house. Every year it takes me awhile to get into the swing of it yet this year was taking longer. There was one day last week I was late for everything I went to by 5 minutes. It was frustrating and I found myself getting down on myself. I started to "should" myself. I "should" be able to get everything done and be on time. I "should" be able to give 100% to my kids, my job, my partner. I "should" still be able to find time in the day to write this blog!
Then one day I was commuting to work listening to one of my usual 5 or 6 podcasts I subscribe to and the speaker just started to resonate with me on a level that I am not sure I would have realized had I not been pushing so hard in my life. It was a line by Dr Anita Johnston-author of the amazing book "Eating by the Light of the Moon" on the Mindful Dietitian podcast. (For those of you that don't know I want to move to Australia and follow the "mindful dietitian" Fiona Sutherland for a year-not in a stalkerish way but to learn from her- I think she is AMAZING!!....just had to throw that out there..lol) Anyways Dr Johnston said " look at the moon not the finger pointing at the moon". And even though I don't believe the meaning of that statement was really related to how I was behaving it literally made me think I have stopped looking at the moon. So I am coming back to the moon now.
When we take on too much we put many things ahead of our own needs. If you caught the sentence in the first paragraph of this post where I wrote " I should be able to give 100% to my kids, my job, my partner" why didn't I include "to myself". Why is it so easy to push our own needs away to make room for others? Personally I think as woman, we are taught from a young age that it is selfish to put ourselves ahead of others especially those we love. We need to act a certain way, look a certain way, handle situations a certain way. I know what I need to function at my best and worrying about how I am perceived by others does not help me achieve that. I need nourishing food I enjoy, quiet time alone daily, conversation with each of my children nightly before they go to bed, physical activity outside and my nightly before bed ritual of milky tea with honey. In the last 3 weeks all of these things were skipped completely or cut back dramatically. I would go for a run but feel guilt about leaving my kids. I would pack my lunch for work but do it without much thought and never enough food so I have been hungry a lot. I looked at the pile of amazing books I purchased in May(!) for personal reading and realized none had been opened yet. I have been looking at the pointing fingers without looking at where I am going.
We are worth it. We are worth the 30 minutes of "personal" time to reset and refocus (in whatever way feels best for you). We need to be able to say "no I can't take that on right now" to bosses, colleagues, friends, families without guilt and shame. We need to find the moon.
And for me it starts with this post. I am going to write ... about whatever pops in my head..about food, mindfulness, body image, me....even the process of just writing this has started me having ideas again. I am going to put as much effort into packing my lunches as I do with my kids- see last post- I am going to ask myself what I actually want! And I am going to go back to my work self care ritual. Get a coffee and spend 5 minutes either walking outside the long route back to my desk or sitting in a quiet peaceful place ( my office has a relaxation room- I should actually go in it!).
So even though this isn't food related I would encourage you to nourish yourself- your soul, your mind, your body, your heart. Whatever you think needs a little love. If you are able to find 5 minutes a day to dedicate to this I am sure you will find the moon whether it be a huge full harvest moon or the tiniest sliver of a crescent moon we all deserve to see the magic that is the moon.
until next time- I will be unapologetically me while you be unapologetically you...